David Beckham's Outlaw movie

November 2015

Diamond tears | Triumph Thruxton R | YouTube
 

▲ The "Girl with the diamond tears" gazes uncertainly over DB's shoulder. You can't see her other hand, but we think she's feeling for a pulse. Or maybe a wallet.

You have to see this to believe it, and you might not believe it even then. But be warned; if you suffer from asthma, or any disease of the nervous system, or have a heart condition, or have eaten within the last 24 hours, or owe us money, DO NOT VIEW THIS footage. It was uploaded to YouTube in September (2015), but we've only just sobered up and spotted it, so we're treating it as news.

It's the most cringe-worthy performance we've seen since ex-Labour leader Neil Kinnock's 1992 "We're alright!" rush of blood to the head moment. It's supposed to be a kind of surreal modernist spaghetti western tale about a cardboard Evel Knievel character, and it's embedded in a promotional vehicle for Belstaff (which, as a clothing brand, is currently about as cool as a warm day in Hades).

What the hell David Beckham (riding a hopped-up and accessorised Triumph Thruxton R) is doing in this short movie is a mystery. We know that he's previously been involved with Triumph. But his general over-exposure on the world's fashion and fad stage (in which he's aligned himself with everything from H&M underwear to Venetian Macao casinos to Homme aftershave to Sprint mobile phones) leaves us gasping for a reality check and looking forward to death.

▲ Beckham actually died midway through this film. But the director said they could finish it anyway. No one would notice. He's since made a partial recovery and just the other day was heard speaking his first words.

Even A-list actor Harvey Keitel starring as some kind of grizzled bandido-cum-film director and acting way beyond the red line can't save these 17 minutes and 28 seconds of naffness.

Written by Geremy Jasper (correct but unusual spelling of "Geremy"), the movie is called Outlaws, but appears to be referred to as "Beckham's Bonneville Film". The name Outlaw, incidentally, refers to the Belstaff Outlaw jacket Beckham is wearing, which costs just (gulp) £1,250.

The direction is stilted. The imagery is irredeemably derivative and clichéd. The dialogue, such as it is, is dire-logue. Beckham gazes vacuously here, there and everywhere, a man with fewer expressions than a fresh corpse. And there's about as much meaning here as a squirt of toothpaste, and as much entertainment as being on the wrong side of a firing squad.

There were hundreds of people involved in this, all of whom now have contracts on their heads for crimes against cinematography. The single saving virtue of this production is the fact that it's not compulsory viewing.

Are we exaggerating? Watch it for yourself. It's currently on YouTube. And because we don't know how long it will survive until Belstaff realises the error of its ways, we don't want to risk a dead link. So just cut and paste the info below and watch how Beckham bends it until it breaks.

Strewth.

http://youtu.be/9HQNvz4eZPU

— Big End