Death Duties

George Hill died in April, left instructions for the wife
"Try not to miss me too much, love," he said, "we had a life."
Everybody comes from naught, and nothing lasts forever
But if there is an afterlife, we'll soon be back together

The mortgage has been settled, so there's not a penny owing
And you'd better sell the Vauxhall (I won't need it where I'm going)
Or maybe you could learn to drive, if you don't mind the fuss
On second thoughts, with your eyesight, you'd better take the bus

Now Tyson's looking peaky, though he's not quite finished yet
Still, if he gets too fretful better drag 'im to the vet
And I know you've never liked my fish and find 'em quite depressing
So tip 'em down the loo and flush, and do it with my blessing

The boiler's just been serviced, but it always needs a fiddle
Just switch it on and prime it with the brass knob in the middle
If that don't work you'll have to call the plumber for a look
Don't let the him overcharge you, mind (his number's in the book)

So what to do with the bikes, Dear? There are quite a few to mention
But if disposed of thoughtfully, they'll bolster up your pension
I've scribbled out some adverts, and I've took some pictures too
The documents are in the drawer, the rest is up to you

Seventeen are in the garage, three more are in the shed
Two are boxed up in the cellar, one is underneath the bed
Four are in the garden, you'll find 'em sealed in plastic
They've been there for a while, and so the condition's not fantastic

I bought them all as project bikes, and none have really run
Just wipe 'em with an oily rag and bake 'em in the sun
It's two grand for the JAP, fifteen hundred for the rest
That's each, of course, so haggle hard and do your very best

The Norton is the silver bike, the one that makes a racket
Dust it down and pump the tyres, that should fetch a packet
So ask for ten but eight will do. Eight thousand that is, Dear
And it's seven for the Triumph, or something very near

It's three for the Greeves, remember when we bought that one?
We rode it back from Basingstoke (and stopped for a little fun)
You were just a young lass then, and I was just a lad
You said it was the nicest ride that you had ever had

Moving on, I ought to mention two grand for the Dot
But please don't flog the Bantam, Dear (my favourite of the lot)
I bought that bike in '68 when I was seventeen
I rode it like the king of kings, you pillioned like my queen

And later we got married and we made our vows together
An O-ring on your finger, and we chugged away in leather
We rode it all the way to Nice, and then went down to Spain
The Beeza never missed a beat and brought us home again

Now, the Tiger Cub is hard to start, but when it runs it's sweet
Spares in the garage include head, carb and seat
The paintwork's just been done, and the chrome is very nice
Not sure of the mileage, but three grand is the price

It's eBay for the others, and all are sold as seen
Just take the highest bid, and make sure you see the green
But please don't flog the Bantam, Dear, that one you must save
I'll need it in the afterlife, so park it in my grave

—Danny DeFazio